May I scream now?


I am sitting at my desk trying to discover the relevance of life in an unchanging environment that surrounds me. Each day I’m slowly losing my mind in the sheer monotony of it all. It really wants to make me scream.

Day after unchanging day I sit here trying desperately to make my life make some semblance of sense. Any kind of sense would be nice. Just to have my life have some kind of meaning and be of some intrinsic value would be so sweet.

Have you ever felt that way?

It would appear the above statements have made it all about me. You would probably be fair in that assumption, no doubt.

It is almost like I think that there is something I can do right, to make my life relevant? Maybe I am trying to do that and maybe that is why I am so ready to scream.

The truth is that my life more closely resembles a 100o piece puzzle that can’t be easily solved without the aid of the master puzzler.

Have you ever felt like the oddball piece of the puzzle?

I have a passion or love for puzzles. I love to sit and do a puzzle. Not that I have the time often.

Actually here lately it seems I have had some time and there have been a couple of puzzles on the table. Each time I pass by they beckon me to figure out the intricacies of their significant designs.

I feel the pull much the same way a bottle must pull to one disposed to drink.

My mother told me once that when I was little I would work on puzzles for hours putting them together picture up then picture down.

There is something intriguing too me in the mystery of pieces that fit securely with their mate. There are many times I won’t look at the picture at all and will fit pieces together based on design alone.

This irritates my daughter to no end. While I’m not actually trying to irritate her whatsoever, it’s just the way my mind processes things.

I’m a problem solver by design and a problem maker by nature. It is why I’m so irritated by the circumstances I continually find myself in.

The magnitude of my utter inability to change my flesh makes me literally want to pull my hair out. It makes me want to scream even knowing it would absolutely be of no use and do no good.

To be able to be steadfast in the faith nothing wavering would be so incredibly awesome to accomplish I can’t even imagine the inexplicable joy it would bring.  James: 1:6

My life so closely resembles a puzzle box full of non joined pieces it is utterly ridiculous.

I think God must really have a sense of humor when He decides what nature to give us. He surely sees the funny moments that He will capture as we struggle through the growing process.

He is always teaching us through the most inanimate things if we have ears to hear. I love this about Him and I despise it all at the same time.

I am what you call a visual learner in some ways but I do learn allot through reading as well. I land sort of in the middle. I suppose that is good?

What absolutely appalls me is that I have to repeat certain lessons over and over. Sometimes I get it right and other times I keep repeating the test.

These are the times where I’m thankful that God does allow do overs multiple times.

Presently I am struggling with something habitual that is driving me absolutely nuts. I can’t shake, I can’t hide it, and for the love of all things holy I can’t throw it away either.

My first inclination is to cast it out, bind it out, rebuke it out and then the devil whacks me upside the head with it again and here we go. I’m on a perpetual merry go round that has no exit.

Have you ever been there?

I realize we all struggle with something that is habitual. It is not the “something” that frustrates me, it’s not even (dare I say) the inability to overcome. It’s the idea that it is even in box to start with.

When I think back to the puzzle pieces I think about that one piece that I’m always so sure has no place in the picture. Then the day comes that I realize it is just the piece I need to tie the whole picture together. I sit back and go “wow” who would have imagined that?

Eventually I will be free no doubt. God will continue to work with me until then.

It’s just the annoying sameness day in & out that drives me up a wall.

Paul said that in my flesh dwells no good thing. Romans 7:18 Yet I have this idea that if I get rid of this or I change that I will have something good in me. I will have something I can offer to God in exchange for my very own righteousness.

I think this is a trick of our brutal enemy that pushes us to succeed where we are born to fail.

What does that mean?

You see if we understand anything about the nature of God we know that He is Holy. He is Righteous and He is Just. That alone tells you that there will never be a place I will come to that measures up to even a speck of Him.

There will never be a time that I can go “whew” I made it God what next?

As long I continue to live in this stupid flesh I’m going to have one habitual sin after habitual sin. It will be one thing today and another thing tomorrow. That’s the nature of the beast.

But what do I mean born to fail?

Let me explain, if I have even the slightest chance of succeeding, then Jesus’ death means nothing. If I could keep the law with any measure of goodness His coming is for was in vain.

I had to fail so that He can succeed and do so completely.

He never said I am the way and you have a way that joins me. He never said I am the Truth added to the little bit you carry. He never said I am the life and your concerted efforts in life boost mine.

No, He preceded all of that with I am. For you scholars out there you know He was saying that He is before all things, He is all things and by Him all things consist and exist.

So why do I continue to struggle? Why do you continue to struggle?

It would seem the simplest answer is to just give up and we would find victory.

There are days that my mind can see this very clearly and there are days when I am screaming out in total frustration.

The scripture say that I am the righteousness of God in Christ. Philippians 3:9

Outside of Christ I can’t have even one iota of righteousness. The struggle comes from me trying to wrestle the robe of righteousness out of God’s hand. He’s trying to give it to me and I’m fighting Him for something that’s already mine. All the while the enemy is laughing his behind off.

There are many days I feel crazy as loon and some days I feel on top of the world.

Some days I know I am going to make it and others I can’t hardly climb out of bed, the fact remains that he is faithful, He is always faithful! I John 1:9

There is never one day that God does not love me, nor will there ever be. There is not one single day He ever regrets sending His Son to die for my sins. There is never one day He wishes He had never made me.

I recall this to my mind and I have hope.  Lamentations 3: 21-24  It is on this kind of day that the puzzle falls together nicely piece by piece.

One day you will see the picture of my life when we all stand before God as I will also see yours.

I think there will be a gasp throughout the ages when we realize the extent that He went to cover us with His righteous robe and how beautifully He pieced us together by His loving design.

Until then I hang on trying not to scream and I press in as best I can, trusting that it is His goodness that leads me to repentance.  Romans 2:4


**Just as a side note** I would gladly show the end results of the puzzle but it has yet to be completed. Much like our life we wait for the final reveal.

For any of you wanting to put this particular puzzle together, it is a Thomas Kincaid Disney puzzle, themed ‘Beauty and the Beast”


With Christ I’m hid!