Its was in the moment of my greatest failure that I have found my greatest resolve, for fear of failure led me to be less than candid about God, my life and about who it is He called me to be.
How can I be true to you if I’m not true too me?
“Candor is a compliment; it implies equality. It’s how true friends talk” Peggy Noonan
I have written for some time now, and while I have made some steps toward progress I have come to realize that I have also digressed allot. Not so much in what I say but in how I articulate what I say.
So I’ve decided to be candid with you my precious reader and tell you that for some time now I have been miserable. Miserable because I tried to be who I am not. It’s one thing to ask for advice and follow the suggestion given, its another matter altogether to drive yourself to the point of failure when you can’t produce what you’ve been told needs to be done.
Clean it up a bit Shawn, make this bold, highlight that, add this, move that there etc.. and somehow in striving for perfection I have lost myself in the shuffle.
I’m not at all saying that the many wonderful suggestions and tips have not been awesome nor right on. What I am saying is that I personally got caught up in the striving to make it bling*bling and I lost my voice. Not only that I lost my will to even write.
Hours upon hours of tossing this and changing this, rearranging that, trying this theme or that theme all with the hopes of impressing you the reader have resulted in absolute failure.
Why is that? What have I done wrong when I’ve worked so hard and followed every suggestion to the letter? Why have I failed when others promised I would succeed?
Statistically I have less than an average of ten who read my blog now where I used to have over a hundred a day or more.
Me, while I’m not impressed by the numbers as awesome as they are, if I’m not reaching anyone what’s the point?
This is why it is tanking and why I’m so glad that it is.
It is tanking because it became something I am not. It grew outside of who I am as a person, as a believer.
They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they’d make up their minds… Winston Churchill
I have a responsibility to you, to myself and to God to stay true to who I am. If I am not doing that then basically I am liar and you know what happens to liars.
That is why I am being so candid with you~
Truthfully I am tired of being burdened by the responsibility of having the “perfect blog” writing the “perfect way” structuring all my sentences the “perfect way.” I get that we should strive for excellency but where does excellency end and neurotics take over?
I want to be me. Just little old backwoods, country girl me. Who loves to write about God, talk it up with people all around the world and share who God is in my life. If I still only have ten who read it then hallelujah they are at least reading the real me.
Is there anything wrong that?
Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things if I am not the next CS Lewis or have the greatest blog like the big shots?
Not really because I’m a just a simple person who likes to have simple relationships. All that stuff sort of clogs up the process don’t you think? It’s like eating a big old juicy Whataburger and needing a Whata-tums later… No matter how good it goes down when you eat it, it never comes back up the same way. Bad visual I know, but good preaching non the less.
So what am I saying?
I’m saying I am done with being who the professional blogging world says I should be or how my site should look.
There I said it, it’s out and off my chest… whew that wasn’t so bad.
Did I blow it, I totally busted it and paid a lot of money doing so in the process. I also learned allot in the process, not just about myself, but about you the reader.
A leopard changing its spots is not only impossible, but it’s not desirable either.
Over the course of the next few weeks hang in there with me while I get my proverbial act together. I want you to love me for who I am, not how blingy my theme is or how perfect my words are. I want to leave you with a lasting impression of how good God is and not how well Shawn performed that day.
I’m a little rusty with exercising my true voice. My fingers are a little nervous like they were the first day I sat down to write. Yet, I also have a tremendous amount of peace knowing I am finally doing the right thing, going in the right direction once more.
To all of you who have stuck with me through it all… I love you guys so much~ You’re the absolute best~
To all who don’t know me so well, hang on your rides about to get real interesting… Candor is something I do pretty well and I don’t mind speaking the truth. At the end of it all though, I love you and I do my best to let you know that. I try to keep it real, after all, we are real, are we not?
I will be my undoing, if I become my obsession… Divergent
Much love to all and peace through God and our Lord Jesus Christ~
John 4:24 God is a Spirit: and they that worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth!
In the end God can have it all I don’t want any part of it. My life, my breathe, my all belongs solely to Him. If I write and only He is pleased then I have done what He wants me to do and I’m more than blessed…
I’m hid with Christ!
4 thoughts on “Candid-The Heart, The Failure, The Resolve”
Like you I’ve been writing for a little while now. What started as a way to grieve when my wife died,quickly turned into another animal. It soon evolved into counsel to others going through difficult times. Over the years I’ve seen my readership grow as well as dwindle. The one thing I insist on maintaining is my voice with honesty and devotion in the service of God. My belief and my recommendation, to you, as well as others with a desire to please Our Heavenly Father, is to always follow your heart. It’s the one place that God keeps watch over, and the one place from which our words, and our personal satisfaction are given birth. We serve God with the work of our hand… literally. The enrichment we bring to others, we also bring to Him. It may not bring about accolades or personal gain, but the rewards are immeasurable. I’ll close with this line from my book (The Jesus Command). I think it best sums the motivation we both share.
“At the very least, if one individual receives the inspiration to examine his or her faith with something more than just a superficial attitude… then this work has not gone in vain.”
Wow Matt how encouraging and I really appreciate the counsel. I don’t think we ever start off purposefully intending to get off course. I certainly didn’t I know. The feeling of being so inexperienced and so backwoods were the motivating factor of seeking out help. In the end it stung me like an adder. I lost the authenticity that God gave me. My voice while not the best compared to most, is the one God gave me and after its for Him I live. I don’t care if I’m popular and never have I just didn’t want to appear dumb. That’s where my pride took over and why I’m glad it tanked. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with me. I’m truly blessed…
I’m hid with Christ!
Shawn, your candor is what attracted me to your blog over 2 years ago. Thank you for being real. Thank you for the typos (not that I’ve ever seen any on your blog…just sayin), thank you for the poor sentence structure. Thank you for the “unpolished” look, feel, and flow of your blog. I thank you because I was beginning to feel like mine was the only “unprofessional” looking and feeling blog out there. Thank you for the backwoods country girl that you are. There are people in need of Jesus that will only be able to receive from a backwoods country girl such as yourself…..
Thank you Greg that means allot. I never thought I would become a people pleaser and at first it wasn’t that way. Over time the frustration just built until I lost heart. I’ve always strived to be authentic and with allot of repentance I’m back on track. Eager to please the Lord and not man! You have always been a great encouragement and I so appreciate it~
Keep the faith- hold fast!
I’m hid with Christ!
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