Its was in the moment of my greatest failure that I have found my greatest resolve, for fear of failure led me to be less than candid about God, my life and about who it is He called me to be.
How can I be true to you if I’m not true too me?
“Candor is a compliment; it implies equality. It’s how true friends talk” Peggy Noonan
I have written for some time now, and while I have made some steps toward progress I have come to realize that I have also digressed allot. Not so much in what I say but in how I articulate what I say.
So I’ve decided to be candid with you my precious reader and tell you that for some time now I have been miserable. Miserable because I tried to be who I am not. It’s one thing to ask for advice and follow the suggestion given, its another matter altogether to drive yourself to the point of failure when you can’t produce what you’ve been told needs to be done.
Clean it up a bit Shawn, make this bold, highlight that, add this, move that there etc.. and somehow in striving for perfection I have lost myself in the shuffle.
I’m not at all saying that the many wonderful suggestions and tips have not been awesome nor right on. What I am saying is that I personally got caught up in the striving to make it bling*bling and I lost my voice. Not only that I lost my will to even write.
Hours upon hours of tossing this and changing this, rearranging that, trying this theme or that theme all with the hopes of impressing you the reader have resulted in absolute failure.
Why is that? What have I done wrong when I’ve worked so hard and followed every suggestion to the letter? Why have I failed when others promised I would succeed?
Statistically I have less than an average of ten who read my blog now where I used to have over a hundred a day or more.
Me, while I’m not impressed by the numbers as awesome as they are, if I’m not reaching anyone what’s the point?
This is why it is tanking and why I’m so glad that it is.
It is tanking because it became something I am not. It grew outside of who I am as a person, as a believer.
They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they’d make up their minds… Winston Churchill
I have a responsibility to you, to myself and to God to stay true to who I am. If I am not doing that then basically I am liar and you know what happens to liars.
That is why I am being so candid with you~
Truthfully I am tired of being burdened by the responsibility of having the “perfect blog” writing the “perfect way” structuring all my sentences the “perfect way.” I get that we should strive for excellency but where does excellency end and neurotics take over?
I want to be me. Just little old backwoods, country girl me. Who loves to write about God, talk it up with people all around the world and share who God is in my life. If I still only have ten who read it then hallelujah they are at least reading the real me.
Is there anything wrong that?
Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things if I am not the next CS Lewis or have the greatest blog like the big shots?
Not really because I’m a just a simple person who likes to have simple relationships. All that stuff sort of clogs up the process don’t you think? It’s like eating a big old juicy Whataburger and needing a Whata-tums later… No matter how good it goes down when you eat it, it never comes back up the same way. Bad visual I know, but good preaching non the less.
So what am I saying?
I’m saying I am done with being who the professional blogging world says I should be or how my site should look.
There I said it, it’s out and off my chest… whew that wasn’t so bad.
Did I blow it, I totally busted it and paid a lot of money doing so in the process. I also learned allot in the process, not just about myself, but about you the reader.
A leopard changing its spots is not only impossible, but it’s not desirable either.
Over the course of the next few weeks hang in there with me while I get my proverbial act together. I want you to love me for who I am, not how blingy my theme is or how perfect my words are. I want to leave you with a lasting impression of how good God is and not how well Shawn performed that day.
I’m a little rusty with exercising my true voice. My fingers are a little nervous like they were the first day I sat down to write. Yet, I also have a tremendous amount of peace knowing I am finally doing the right thing, going in the right direction once more.
To all of you who have stuck with me through it all… I love you guys so much~ You’re the absolute best~
To all who don’t know me so well, hang on your rides about to get real interesting… Candor is something I do pretty well and I don’t mind speaking the truth. At the end of it all though, I love you and I do my best to let you know that. I try to keep it real, after all, we are real, are we not?
I will be my undoing, if I become my obsession… Divergent
Much love to all and peace through God and our Lord Jesus Christ~
John 4:24 God is a Spirit: and they that worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth!
In the end God can have it all I don’t want any part of it. My life, my breathe, my all belongs solely to Him. If I write and only He is pleased then I have done what He wants me to do and I’m more than blessed…
I’m hid with Christ!